I am embarking on a solo adventure to Santa Fe and the surrounds. It is difficult to think of myself as being solo as my life so far has been anything but. First I grew up as one of 4 children and lived with my parents until I got married. Then I had 3 delightful daughters who fill my days with laughter, chatter, oestrogen fueled girly dramas, energy and hope. Now I am heading off to the other side of the world in search of beautiful light, new open spaces and faces- some inspiration and some challenges for my photography work and for myself as a woman facing the world. When I first started thinking about going on a photo journey, it was all about the logistics and the work itself. Over the past week, it has become about so much more. The reality of missing my family and my Wellington life has sunk in.
I will conquer the fear of the unknown. I know nobody where I am going. I have never been there before. I am going to drive through the desert alone, on the other side of the road, on the left hand side of the car- scary stuff.
If the girls are encouraged in their school curricula to be risk takers and try new things, then I guess it's time their Mama led the way. Here I come unknown places and people.
If you have ever wanted to gauge your love for your offspring and your partner, try watching them walk away at the airport as you wait to board your flight. I wanted to go with them but I knew that I had a journey to complete before we were to meet again. The tears poured down my face. My sister often used to remark about the unusually large size of my tear drops.
Will the girls remember my absence with a sense of longing or as a novel adventure of their own? My fear is that they will feel I have abandoned them.
Having lost my parents, I find myself very conscious of the relationship with the girls. I so want them to feel the closeness to their parents that I had with mine. However, their childhood experiences are also remarkably different to mine in some ways. Travel is a passion to me. I remember yearning to see the world when I was a little girl. Even to go on an aeroplane was something I obsessed about. It was not until I was 15 that I finally flew. My girls have been travelling all their lives. It is just part of our lives. I find myself dreaming up the next trip and the ones to follow. I hope the girls will have an outward looking view of the world - beyond their own shores.
I would like to inspire the girls to do things outside of their comfort zones. I found myself too comfortable in my life in Wellington. I wanted to push myself in a work sense and in a getting to know myself – midlife crisis alert! Maybe Mums tend to lose sight of themselves along the way when they get caught up in their children's experiences of the world. I think the time has come for my work to have some space too. I hope that I will find that space over the next monthin Santa Fe and beyond.
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